September 16, 2007

Weight Loss Surgery
Seminar with Dr. Jossart
August 15th

I was really thrown for an emotional loop after the presentation and have been working through my feelings about it. This process is sorta making me feel worse about my body image. *shrug*

DH is completely supportive but to an almost annoying level because I get the sense he realllllllllllllllllllly wants me to have WLS (weight loss surgery). He says that’s not the case. He says “I’ve listened to you for our whole marriage, watched you try so hard to lose weight, seen you in tears throughout the years… I just saw this as something that could maybe really make the difference for the last time. I want you to achieve all you’ve dreamed about. (Including shopping in the ‘regular’ section of a store!)”

Back to the consult.
I was definitely the smallest in the room which of course, never happens. I wondered if they looked at me as I might look at someone weighing 180lbs, complaining about being fat. You know?

It was verrrrrrry informative and during the presentation, I started to lean more towards another possibility.

I walked in feeling Lapband was my only personal option, walked out ready to explore Vertical Gastrectomy (VG). Tim is nervous about VG and I’m completely afraid of Lapband not being “enough” for me, you know?

I alluded to an “emotional loop” afterwards – what I mean is, I feel like EVERYTHING in my life has to change in order for this to be successful. I’m wrestling with how much I have to change who I’ve become in order to achieve being thin.
I am such a social eater… I try to imagine saying to my lunch-every-Thursday-friend that I’d rather go for a hike instead of trying a new restaurant?? Or how often we eat out for social events. The day of the seminar, I had 2 BBQs to attend!

Additionally, I struggle with the question of “if I already know what to do now but am not doing it, how do I know I’ll start after surgery?” I realize WLS is a tool ONLY but I guess I am hoping it’s a verrrrrrrry powerful one.

Anyhow, that’s where I stand now.
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